The library at my college was pretty aggressive about getting its books back, below are the emails it sent me as the days passed and I kept forgetting to turn in HOW TO PLEASE YOUR WOMAN:

First Overdue Notice

Dear Sir or Madam,

This is your first warning. Or did you really think we wouldn’t notice? We wouldn’t remember that you’ve run off and had an affair with one of our possessions?

Sincerely,

Give us our fucking book back.

Second Overdue Notice. Well then.

Dear Sir or Madam or Beast,

This is warning dos, as the Mexican Drug Cartel LOS ZETAS says. Would we like our book back, I wonder.

Fuck you,

Us.

Third Overdue Notice. Your Mother is dead.

Dear Fuckhole,

Your mother is dead. Your father is next.

Good day thief,

The people

Thank you for returning our book!

Dear Sir or Madam:

Thank you for returning our book! It has been a pleasure having you as a customer! Please Come Back Soon!

Sincerely,

We love you

Craigslist Ad

Young successful Man looking for female personal trainer (Back Bay)

Monday 2:03pm

Hi my name is Mike. I’m not the thinnest person. I’m also not the most built. I’m morbidly obese. I’m exaggerating but that’s where I’m heading if I don’t loose 400 pounds. I tried getting a personal trainer in my area but there are only guy trainers and I am looking for a female trainer. Preferably young and fit. Tight abs. Tight thighs. I can start training IMMEDIATELY.

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Wednesday 8:13pm

It’s been two days and no one has answered my add. I am willing to pay $40 an hour for a FEMALE personal trainer. Tight body. Please. I’m dangerously fat.

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Saturday 4:54pm

No one? No one is interested?! The comments about the tight abs and tight thighs were because I want those things and I just felt like if my trainer had shitty abs and thighs she wouldn’t be able to help me much. I’ll take any woman. That was just my ideal. Any woman at all.

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Sunday 8:12pm

I’m gay, alright. I didn’t want to have to publicize my sexuality but I guess I don’t get a choice in this. I’M GAY. I want a female personal trainer specifically so it’s NOT sexual.

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Thursday 2:30am

I’m gonna die of fatness and its all your fault, all of you people who are on her just to look at nude pics of dicks. If that’s what it takes to get some responses around here! Below is a picture of my dick.

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Thursday 2:40am

Okay, I shouldn’t have posted my dick. I reiterate I’m not looking for anything sexual just somebody to help me stay alive, I haven’t stood up from this chair in three days.

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Monday 4:00am

I am no longer looking for responses. I have cut myself and am letting the fat spill out. Thanks a lot internet.