Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day!

I dont get why so many people are emphasizing that the chick-fil-a appreciation day was a significant showing by stating it was a record breaking day, all I needed to see to be impressed with the size of the protest was giant fucking lines around the block. Frankly, I don’t give a fuck what Chick-Fil-A’s past one-day-record-sales figure is, seeing giant fucking lines at multiple stores around the nation is enough to make me think, “hmm, this is probably more people than Chick-Fil-A has ever had in one day”. It’s Chick-Fil-A, not Apple. It makes chicken, and every now and then premiers a new sauce or combination of sandwich ingredients. It has not, for example, like apple, regularly, continuously, over the past decade, released revolutionary products that alter the course of life in one way or another. Unless of course, you don’t like their food, it revolts you (more importantly your stomach), and every time you happen to go, you get explosive dia

rreah that alters the course of your day by confining you to a toilet seat and a feeling, at the end of the day, that you’ve rubbed your asshole with sandpaper.

Also not revolutionary: being against equal marriage rights. In fact, some would say, from its chicken to its views on equality, Chick-Fil-A is a follower, not a leader. I like the chicken at Chick-Fil-A as much as the chicken at any other chicken selling venue. But i can’t help but feel sad at Chick-Fil-A’s CEO’s inability to understand the depth of true love that like in heterosexual couples, isn’t always found in homosexual couples, but sometimes is, and when it is and when it’s not, the effort to find that love should be respected and lauded, and the desire to celebrate it with equal grandiosity and legality as all other humans, belongs to every human. Gay and straight.

Epilogue: If being gay was a choice, no one would choose to be gay, given the severe persecution and risk to your life if you make that choice. Having said that, if someone were to choose to be gay i'd still give them a hug and a high five for having the courage to choose what makes him/her happy and not be confined by many's narrow-minded intolerance.

Brothers Marriage

Peter and Mark, brothers,

Peter: Mark, I’m feeling kind of sad. About your marriage.

Mark: Um...That’s kind of fucked up, man.

Peter: I’m bummed about it too.

Mark: ...?

Peter: You met her when you were 23. I’m 22. I feel like I have 365 days left to find my reproductive partner or face the death of my gene-line.

Mark: Gene-line?

Peter: My genes not getting passed on I mean.

Mark: We’re brothers. We have very similar genes. And I’m gonna have kids, so don’t worry.

Peter: You have much better genes.

Mark: See, even better.

Peter: I guess.

Mark: You still have time to find someone, you can get married when you’re fifty. They don’t limit that shit.

Peter: I just want a companion. Someone to go to a movie with and share popcorn with.

Mark: Grandma’s always up for stuff like that. I’m always up for stuff like that.

Peter: If I wait till I’m fifty to get married I’ll have to find a woman younger than forty two-ish if I want to have like tons of babies and not just a slim chance at having one. And, honestly, I don’t want to date women younger than me, ever, it feels weird, like, there was a moment in time when I was alive and they didn’t even exist. All I want is a lady my age who looks at me and feels lucky to be with me, to get to look at me all she wants, except when she sleeps.

Mark: If you want a girl that finds you very attractive you gotta target ugly chicks.

Peter: Ugh. First off, the term ugly chicks is mean. Second off, I don’t like ugly chicks.

Mark: I don’t mean they were made ugly by God, I just mean they’re ugly to me. Date someone you’re not completely into and you’ll always keep control in the relationship.

Peter: Are you not completely into Ashley?

Mark: Now I am, yeah, of course, but when we started dating? Nothing.

Peter: I want a girl who looks at me and sees what I have to offer, not what I lack, which may or may not be more than what I have to offer. I want a girl that sees real worth in me and would do anything to hold onto me. I know it sounds stiffling.

Mark: A little bit.

Peter: But if I’m with someone like that and I feel like that for her, our marriage will never fail, because no matter what problems come up between us, we’ll fight endlessly to find a way to end the fights. Like mom and Dad. They still fight every day, but now after every fight, they apologize. And I think the apologies are mostly sincere. 

Mark: Do not base any relationship on mom and dad. Look at them, their relationship has given each of them long-term depression.

Peter: But—

Mark: No.

Peter: But—

Mark: Nope.

Peter: I—

Mark: Not gonna happen. You’re not gonna do it. I’ll standup at your wedding when they say if anyone has any objections and I’ll take out my penis and pee on your wife’s father to ensure the end of your relationship.

Peter: little drastic.

Mark: I’m serious. I’ll pee on her dad.

Peter: Mom and dad have had their problems, sure, but they’ve fought to keep their relationship intact.

Mark: They got divorced.

Peter: Yes. Yes. Alright, fair. But they’re dating each other again, and in the four years they were apart, they didn’t fuck anyone else. They must have battled intense sexual frustration.

Mark: We don’t know they didn’t fuck anyone else. That’s an assumption. All we know is they are now fucking each other.

Peter: Right, well, I want that. Despite the beautiful, darling, antiseptic romance my sweet darling princess Julia [who gave me my worth as a person] and I had, she left me because she thought I was insecure. I don’t know whether she realized her breaking up with me was gonna make it worse. But I want the kind of wife that even if she leaves me, she’ll come back because she loves me so much that she’ll do anything to fix the problems we have so that someday soon we continue our passionate love-making slash companionship slash fucking.

Mark: Find someone that is more compatible with you than mom is with dad. Unless instability excites you.

Peter: But their incompatibility made us so unless you hate yourself, that could be a good thing, I could have kids just like us.

Mark: We already exist. Make new kids.

Peter: I feel so lonely...and I’m very happy you are getting married! But I wish your wedding included me also getting married, maybe not beside you, but the next slot at the same church the same day. Wait, no, beside you.

Mark: Peter, promise me something, promise me tomorrow, at my Wedding, when you give your speech, you won’t--

Peter: --Talk about my loneliness?

Mark:...

Peter: All I can say is that my speech is going to be sincere, masterful, and heartbreaking.

Mark: Peter.

Peter: Mark.

Mark: Peter.

Peter: Mark.

Mark: ...

Peter: Have I ever let you down?

Mark:...
Peter: Don’t answer that. In the way that I mean it, the answer’s no.

Mark: Am I going to be happy with the speech?

Peter: [nodding] if you’re human.

Mark: I’m gonna go get ready for the rehearsal dinner, be ready by 6 or you’ll have to walk there and it’s pouring and as you may remember, we don’t own umbrellas.

Peter: You should get Ashley to convince her sister to marry me.

Mark: Marie has a boyfriend.

Peter: I’m just saying, if that fails...

Mark: You’ll find someone. Don’t fuck it up tomorrow.

Peter: [smiling] I think we both know Marie’s relationship is gonna fail.

CUT TO BLACK.

Guy and Madeleine Break Up

Guy is wobbling his face in Madeleine’s breasts as she sits looking forward.

Guy: Madeleine, why do you want to break up with me?

Madeleine: We’re not meant to be together. You’re soft as sand, I’m tough as leather. I mean both of those metaphorically.

Guy: I respectfully disagree.

Madeleine: We’re polar opposites. 

Guy: First off, we’re not, second off, Ying and Yang are polar opposites.

Madeleine: I’ve been really depressed. I need some time to myself to do things I know make me feel better, like crying.

Guy: Alone you’ll cry, with me you’ll giggle.

Madeleine: That’s just it, Guy, I don’t want to giggle.

Guy: I’m just—uhhhhhh! Don’t break up with me. Buyer’s remorse fades with time.

Madeleine: I’m sorry. You can’t talk about anything serious.

Guy: My face, look at it, this is my serious face.

Madeleine: What scares you the most about us breaking up, Guy?  That you won’t find anyone?

Guy: I don’t want anyone. I want you. Why is that pathetic? What do I have to do for you to not break up with me?

Madeleine: Not be you.

Guy: Can we start with something easier? I promise you, I promise you we’re highly compatible. Stay with me, take my word for it, and when you exit this depression…lets hope its temporary, you never know…when you exit this depression, you’ll be like “Oh, shit, I was wrong. He’s the love of my life. I’m glad he pressured me to stay with him when all I wanted to do was leave him and cry... And make love to others.” And we’ll laugh. We’ll have a good laugh about it, Madeleine…Mad-Mad?

Madeleine: I’m sorry Guy, I just don’t think I have those feeling for you anymore, I feel like you have no pushback, I feel like you agree with me to agree.

Guy: I can see that.

Madeleine:…

Guy: Alright. I disagree with that statement. But I’m trying to be empathetic.

Madeleine: …

Guy: Mad-Mad?

Madeleine: I’m not a huge fan of you calling me Mad-Mad, it makes people think I’m an angry person. And I’m not—I’m just a constantly depressed person. Sad-Sad would be more appropriate. But Madeleine’s my actual name so it would make less sense. I guess I see where you’re coming from.

Guy: Please, just give me another chance, Madeleine, treat this like a mental exercise where you release all resentment of me. I’ve been in a very anxious place, trying to make light of everything because I’m scared of being vulnerable, but you wanting to break up with me, it’s been a shock to my system and I’m ready to be vulnerable with you, I’m ready to tell you I love you.

Madeleine: (shakes head)

Guy: That’s why I didn’t say it. I was just saying I’m ready to say it. 

Madeleine: Guy, I’m sorry, I just can’t be in a relationship with you any more, I feel like it’s tearing at me, I feel constantly sad, you find everything funny. That is literally the worst combination of temperaments.

Guy: How? If you were with someone that was constantly sad the two of you would just be a terrible vortex of sad.

Madeleine:…

Guy:…I was unaware of how you were feeling Madeleine. I’m in love with you and what I want more than anything is for you to feel better. And if joking around is not what you need, then joking around is dead to me.

Madeleine: That’s the problem, Guy. You were unaware of how I was feeling. You always are.

Guy: Not…right now.

Madeleine: I’m sorry.

Madeleine sits looking down, in silence. Guy very slowly leans in, kisses her.

Her eyes shoot open. He pulls back as slowly as he went in, his face frozen.

Guy: That was an accident. 

Jack: So I was thinking, since you’re moving out, can I get your stuff.

Mark: Yeah, totally, we’re brothers, that’s what I’m here for, for you to rob me.

Jack: I mean just like, things you don’t want anymore, like your old ipod. You don’t like U2 anymore, but you can’t exactly change the fact that your old ipod is the U2 ipod. To even use it as a spare is an embarrassment to you because people will know you like U2 even though you think U2 is a shit band. I on the other hand think anyone who doesn’t like U2 is anti-cultural. 

Mark: I’ll sell it to you for a hundred and fifty.  And a pack of smokes.

Jack: Let’s negotiate. Keep the pack of smokes, drop the dirty money fee.

Mark: Keep the pack of smokes, clean my room, buy me a bell to ring to summon you to do shit for me whenever I want, for two months.

Jack: Three weeks.

Mark: Three months.

Jack: Two months, no pack of smokes.

(Mark tosses Jack the U2 ipod)

Mark: Don’t move it around, like, at all if you’re listening to music. You’ll get what I mean when you use it. 

A conversation between Slaves from 1858:

-We won't always be slaves. I promise. Someday, the tide will change--

---And we'll be slaveowners!

-…

-…

-…

-I was joking. Half-joking. I was joking. 

-Do you like being a slave?

-No.

-DO YOU LIKE BEING A SLAVE?!

-No. Jesus, Alfred, why do you get like this? 

-I'm sorry. I just don't want you to forget how shitty it is to be a slave. When we get our freedom, which will be soon--I just FEEL it--

---You've been FEELIN it for fifteen years. 

-Yes, Gerry. I have. Which means it must be coming soon. And when it does, when we get our freedom, I REALLY don't want you goin all slavemaster on me. On anyone. Don't go off owning people left and right just because you're free. 

-Alfred. Honestly? You're absurd. What kind of person do you think I am? I'm not gonna go off "owning people left and right". Jesus. I do think it would be fair though for me to get ONE slave. 

Sometimes I wonder if there's any point in trying to evade death. Then I'm like, "Fuck Yeah! Someday I'll get to create humans! And be in love or whatever."

Best nip slip cover up: That's not my nipple, its a birthmark.

Ways to spend Valentine's Day single:

1.     Hate on Zoey Deschanel in 500 Days of Summer.

2.     Call your favorite ex-girlfriend and remind her of a special time you once shared, like the first time you hugged.

3.     Love yourself. Keep yourself company (need a mirror).

4.     Flirt with a stranger. Preferably one that is fertile.

5.     Take a walk around the Charles. There are other pretty things besides love.

6.     Don’t wear red.

7.     Invite other single people over for companionship. It’s better if they’re good looking.

8.     Sit on your hand until it falls asleep. Write yourself a Valentine.

9.     Take yourself on a breakfast date to Ihop!

10. Walk up to a couple that is having a lovely day, ask if you can tag along.

11. If you start to get depressed, simply promise yourself this: I will not be alone on Valentine’s Day next year. This does not have to be a promise you keep. It’s simply a morale thing.

12. Get yourself your favorite flavor of Burdick’s hot chocolate. I recommend white chocolate. Everybody hates white chocolate. Which means white chocolate hot chocolate prices are lower than ever!

13. Remind yourself that if your life continues in this way, you can always adopt.

My cousin was run over by a car. He got lucky though, it was an empty ambulance.

I had quit smoking, until an anti-tobacco ad playing on loop put tobacco on my mind.

Music Icon Janet Jackson Speaks About Running Into Michael Jackson Impersonators:

I've seen a lot of good ones. Since Michael's death, the best ones I've run into have psychologically scarred me. This one impersonator in Miami did a great moonwalk.

No one chooses to impersonate black Michael. Is that racist? Probably.