The library at my college was pretty aggressive about getting its books back, below are the emails it sent me as the days passed and I kept forgetting to turn in HOW TO PLEASE YOUR WOMAN:

First Overdue Notice

Dear Sir or Madam,

This is your first warning. Or did you really think we wouldn’t notice? We wouldn’t remember that you’ve run off and had an affair with one of our possessions?

Sincerely,

Give us our fucking book back.

Second Overdue Notice. Well then.

Dear Sir or Madam or Beast,

This is warning dos, as the Mexican Drug Cartel LOS ZETAS says. Would we like our book back, I wonder.

Fuck you,

Us.

Third Overdue Notice. Your Mother is dead.

Dear Fuckhole,

Your mother is dead. Your father is next.

Good day thief,

The people

Thank you for returning our book!

Dear Sir or Madam:

Thank you for returning our book! It has been a pleasure having you as a customer! Please Come Back Soon!

Sincerely,

We love you