Brothers Marriage

Peter and Mark, brothers,

Peter: Mark, I’m feeling kind of sad. About your marriage.

Mark: Um...That’s kind of fucked up, man.

Peter: I’m bummed about it too.

Mark: ...?

Peter: You met her when you were 23. I’m 22. I feel like I have 365 days left to find my reproductive partner or face the death of my gene-line.

Mark: Gene-line?

Peter: My genes not getting passed on I mean.

Mark: We’re brothers. We have very similar genes. And I’m gonna have kids, so don’t worry.

Peter: You have much better genes.

Mark: See, even better.

Peter: I guess.

Mark: You still have time to find someone, you can get married when you’re fifty. They don’t limit that shit.

Peter: I just want a companion. Someone to go to a movie with and share popcorn with.

Mark: Grandma’s always up for stuff like that. I’m always up for stuff like that.

Peter: If I wait till I’m fifty to get married I’ll have to find a woman younger than forty two-ish if I want to have like tons of babies and not just a slim chance at having one. And, honestly, I don’t want to date women younger than me, ever, it feels weird, like, there was a moment in time when I was alive and they didn’t even exist. All I want is a lady my age who looks at me and feels lucky to be with me, to get to look at me all she wants, except when she sleeps.

Mark: If you want a girl that finds you very attractive you gotta target ugly chicks.

Peter: Ugh. First off, the term ugly chicks is mean. Second off, I don’t like ugly chicks.

Mark: I don’t mean they were made ugly by God, I just mean they’re ugly to me. Date someone you’re not completely into and you’ll always keep control in the relationship.

Peter: Are you not completely into Ashley?

Mark: Now I am, yeah, of course, but when we started dating? Nothing.

Peter: I want a girl who looks at me and sees what I have to offer, not what I lack, which may or may not be more than what I have to offer. I want a girl that sees real worth in me and would do anything to hold onto me. I know it sounds stiffling.

Mark: A little bit.

Peter: But if I’m with someone like that and I feel like that for her, our marriage will never fail, because no matter what problems come up between us, we’ll fight endlessly to find a way to end the fights. Like mom and Dad. They still fight every day, but now after every fight, they apologize. And I think the apologies are mostly sincere. 

Mark: Do not base any relationship on mom and dad. Look at them, their relationship has given each of them long-term depression.

Peter: But—

Mark: No.

Peter: But—

Mark: Nope.

Peter: I—

Mark: Not gonna happen. You’re not gonna do it. I’ll standup at your wedding when they say if anyone has any objections and I’ll take out my penis and pee on your wife’s father to ensure the end of your relationship.

Peter: little drastic.

Mark: I’m serious. I’ll pee on her dad.

Peter: Mom and dad have had their problems, sure, but they’ve fought to keep their relationship intact.

Mark: They got divorced.

Peter: Yes. Yes. Alright, fair. But they’re dating each other again, and in the four years they were apart, they didn’t fuck anyone else. They must have battled intense sexual frustration.

Mark: We don’t know they didn’t fuck anyone else. That’s an assumption. All we know is they are now fucking each other.

Peter: Right, well, I want that. Despite the beautiful, darling, antiseptic romance my sweet darling princess Julia [who gave me my worth as a person] and I had, she left me because she thought I was insecure. I don’t know whether she realized her breaking up with me was gonna make it worse. But I want the kind of wife that even if she leaves me, she’ll come back because she loves me so much that she’ll do anything to fix the problems we have so that someday soon we continue our passionate love-making slash companionship slash fucking.

Mark: Find someone that is more compatible with you than mom is with dad. Unless instability excites you.

Peter: But their incompatibility made us so unless you hate yourself, that could be a good thing, I could have kids just like us.

Mark: We already exist. Make new kids.

Peter: I feel so lonely...and I’m very happy you are getting married! But I wish your wedding included me also getting married, maybe not beside you, but the next slot at the same church the same day. Wait, no, beside you.

Mark: Peter, promise me something, promise me tomorrow, at my Wedding, when you give your speech, you won’t--

Peter: --Talk about my loneliness?

Mark:...

Peter: All I can say is that my speech is going to be sincere, masterful, and heartbreaking.

Mark: Peter.

Peter: Mark.

Mark: Peter.

Peter: Mark.

Mark: ...

Peter: Have I ever let you down?

Mark:...
Peter: Don’t answer that. In the way that I mean it, the answer’s no.

Mark: Am I going to be happy with the speech?

Peter: [nodding] if you’re human.

Mark: I’m gonna go get ready for the rehearsal dinner, be ready by 6 or you’ll have to walk there and it’s pouring and as you may remember, we don’t own umbrellas.

Peter: You should get Ashley to convince her sister to marry me.

Mark: Marie has a boyfriend.

Peter: I’m just saying, if that fails...

Mark: You’ll find someone. Don’t fuck it up tomorrow.

Peter: [smiling] I think we both know Marie’s relationship is gonna fail.

CUT TO BLACK.